The best dating advice I was ever given was that very rarely do you get one single mind-blowing “ah ha” moment about your future with someone. While some people can fall in love at first sight, choosing to marry the person you’re with is made up of many small moments that provide peace and comfort rather than one huge moment of realization. I’m a big believer that there’s no such thing as the “perfect guy,” rather the perfect MATCH. Below is a list of questions from the book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk by John Van App that have been proven to help provide those moments of clarity that can help you discover if you are compatible with your significant other in all situations of life and ultimately decide if this is the person you’re supposed to spend your life with. No pressure, right?

Remember this is supposed to be fun! Also remember that the close bond that comes with knowing someone on a deep, personal level doesn’t happen overnight. Don’t feel pressured to answer all of these in one sitting. Go on a road trip together and bring the list along! Have your partner choose a random number and answer that question next. Take the time to answer thoughtfully and really listen. Expand on them and see where they take you. Sharing with each other on a deeper level is sure to strengthen your emotional intimacy as a couple.

Without further ado, onto the questions! They are broken up into different categories, so if there is a specific area you feel needs the most attention in your relationship, start there.

Family

1.       Who were you close to in your family? How was affection shown?
2.       How did you know you were loved by your mother? Your Father?
3.       What was the mood or atmosphere of the home?
4.       What made you feel special in the family?
5.       How were conflicts handled by your parents?
6.       Were you parents divorced? If so, what was your age and the adjustment?
7.       What were the main values taught in your home?
8.       How did your mother and father handle anger?
9.       What was your mother like as a wife? Your father as a husband?
10.   Who handled the discipline and how was it implemented?
11.   Describe the relationships between you and your siblings?
12.   How were the finances handled in the family? Did your family have financial problems?
13.   Were there any addictions in the family?
14.   What was done for fun? For vacations? Traditions?
15.   What responsibilities did you have in the family?
16.   How were things shared among family members?
17.   Do you feel your childhood was happier or less happy than other people’s?
18.   What did you do when you were angry? At mother? At father? At siblings?
19.   Who was the spiritual leader in the home? What were the weekly/daily activities?
20.   Did you attend church regularly? How often? How involved?
21.   Did you pray with any family members?

Conscience

22.   How consistent are your attitudes and behaviors with what you say and believe?
23.   What do you feel strongly about? Rights and wrongs? Deal breakers?
24.   How do handle it when you are wrong?
25.   How defensive are you?
26.   What are the common defenses you use?
27.   What makes you feel guilty at times? What do you regret the most in your life?
28.   Do you tend to repeat the behaviors, attitudes and reactions that you previously felt guilty about?
29.   Do you understand my perspective? See things from my point of view even when you disagree?
30.   Can both people be right, and both be wrong? Do you like to always be right?
31.   Can you own up to your mistakes?
32.   Can you empathize and understand and even anticipate how I feel sometimes?
33.   How did you respond to my explanation of my view and feelings?
34.   Who do you feel accountable to?
35.   How do you react to authority figures?
36.   How controlling are you? Am I?
37.   What special things do you do for me?
38.   How much attention do you give to my spoken needs? My requests? My unspoken ones?
39.   What are your moods like? How stable or unstable are they?

Compatibility

40.   How does your personality compare to mine? What are your interests? Activities you enjoy?
41.   What are the strengths and weaknesses of your personality?
42.   How does your intelligence level compare with mine?
43.   How do you handle your emotions?
44.   What things upset you?
45.   How open are you about personal issues?
46.   How do you express affection and love?
47.   Are you a Type A or Type B personality?
48.   What is your energy level like compared to mine?
49.   How does your sense of humor fit in with mine?
50.   What is your spiritual faith and maturity like?
51.   Do we share similar spiritual outlook on life?
52.   What kind of parents would you like to be? What activities do you want your kids to be involved in and why?
53.   How good at nurturing are you?
54.   How do you handle your money?
55.   How do you take care of your possessions?
56.   How neat or messy are you?
57.   How comfortable are you with your body?
58.   What type of exercise do you enjoy and how often?
59.   Do you initiate activities, recreation and closeness?
60.   Name your top 10 values. Name your top 10 goals. Where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years and 20 years?

Relationship Skills

61.   How much do you like to talk?
62.   Are your feelings and ACTIONS congruent with your words?
63.   How much insight into your own thoughts and motives do you have?
64.   Are you able to put my perspective/feelings into words accurately?
65.   Are you able to put your own feelings into words?
66.   Would you be willing to get help for our relationship if we needed it?
67.   Do you respect my perspective and opinions? How do you show me respect?
68.   Do you listen to me? How do you listen to me?
69.   When I tell you my ideas, do I feel validated by you?
70.   How do you show me you trust me? Are you overly jealous? Worried?
71.   How much do you self-disclose about your day/life?
72.   How detail-oriented are you?
73.   How argumentative or defensive are you?
74.   Can you put your love into words?
75.   Do you withdraw very often? When? How?
76.   Do you attack or blame very often?
77.   Are you passive aggressive?
78.   What are your weakest skills?
79.   How often do you own your behavior and say you’re sorry?
80.   Are you good at reconciling and making up?
81. Do you initiate conversations? Apologies? Affections?

Past Relationships

82.   What were you like in previous relationships?
83.   What did your previous partners like about you?
84.   What did they dislike?
85.   What were the patterns of your previous relationships?
86.   What did you do well? What are your regrets?
87.   What do you wish you had done differently?
88.   How do you describe your previous partners?
89.   What did you dislike about them?
90.   How did you fight with previous partners?
91.   How long were your relationships?
92.   How did your relationships break up? What amount of fault was yours? Theirs?
93.   Why did you break up?
94.   What is our relationship now with the previous partner?
95.   What did you like to do in the previous relationships?
96.   How were arguments resolved?
97.   What did you argue about?
98.   How well did you know your previous partner’s family? Friends?
99.   What did you try to fix on the previous relationship? How?